Bondi Cigar

Galoots of the Southern Cross

AKA: The Land of Nemo

In long isolation, lacking verbal assurance from others on this Earth till laying of the great telephone cable, Australians have developed a truly odd argot of vulgarization.

They wield a canting accent that is not only impossible to understand by English-speaking visitors to this fair and lucky country but the mere sound of which sends them (visitors) into paroxysms of hysterical mirth.

Aussie travelers exhibit flocking behavior whilst abroad, NOT merely due to their inability to converse in exotic tongues BUT, because they cannot be understood by other English-speakers anywhere on Earth – except of course by New Zealanders, whose Kiwi patois is believed the only foreign language loosely savvied by Ozizens (Australians).

Strine (‘Australian’ severely corrupted) is considered by phonetics science as the ugly duckling of speech, the digeridoo in the linguistics orchestra, a discord in the symphony of Earthly tongues.

Historians believe Australia has been invited to every war in the last 150 years by those great proponents of the gentle art, Britain and USA, from simple pity.

The theory posits that Australians deploy such defective diction, fraught with incoherent twanging, they ought have spent their entire history at wars triggered by endless misunderstandings in regional dealing. Yet peculiarly, to the puzzlement of foreign affairs experts world-wide, the opposite is true.

Though alternate postulates favor watery separation to be Australia’s savior, odds have it that Aussies inadvertently disarm their confused foe’s, forestalling both inevitable offence and certain reprisal, at the crucial moment by a calamitously comical cacophonic consonance.

The weight of stenographic evidence is now overwhelming that all too many Asian war councils terminate in raucous hilarity upon discussion of the offending nasally-nuanced nettle. Militaries are stood down while latent allies of shared disdain adjourn for refreshments, relishing another opportunity for jovial swapping of ‘Aussie’ (read ‘blonde’) anecdotes.

Inscrutably, Asians believe Australians field the vocal fumble in ploy as a negotiating tactic. The weird mob of this wide brown land are regarded as the “Nemos of negotiation,” derived from ancient Cantonese for “clown fish” – roughly interpreted “arrogant galoot between east and west.”