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Cacophony on the Pacific Rim   Nov 4 2013

Filed under Australiana by The Cigar

Before the laying of a great telephone cable Australians had developed a truly odd argot of vulgarization.

A long isolation deprived them of verbal assurance from others on this Earth.

From this uncertainly came a canting accent that is not only impossible to understand, even by English-speaking visitors to this fair and lucky country, but the mere sound of it descends foreigners into hysterical mirth.

Aussie travellers exhibit flocking behaviour abroad, not due to their inability to converse in exotic tongues but because they cannot be understood by other English-speakers, anywhere on Earth – except of course by New Zealanders, whose Kiwi patois is believed the only foreign language natively interpreted by Ozizens (Australians).

Strine (the word ‘Australian’ severely corrupted) is considered by phoneticists as the ugly duckling of speech, the didgeridoo in the linguistics orchestra, a discord in the symphony of Earthly tongues. A cracked wheel on the train of civilisation. A flat tyre on the information highway.

Historians believe Australia has been invited to every war in the last 150 years by those great proponents of the gentle art, Britain and the USA, due to simple pity.

Some have it that Australians, with such defective diction fraught with incoherent twanging, ought have spent their entire history at wars triggered by regular misunderstandings in regional dealing. Yet peculiarly, to the puzzlement of foreign affairs students, the opposite is true.

Though watery separation would seem Australia’s saviour from potential Asian conflict, the truth is that Australilans inadvertently disarm potential foes, forestalling both inevitable offence and certain reprisal at the crucial moment by a calamitously comical cacophonic consonance.

The weight of stenographic evidence is now overwhelming that all too many Asian war councils called to delilberate on how to punish the Land of the Great While Racist, these terminate in raucous hilarity upon discussion of the offending nasally-nuanced nettle. Militaries are stood down while latent allies of shared disdain adjourn for refreshments, relishing another opportunity for jovial swapping of ‘Aussie’ anecdotes or diplomatic gaffes.

In secret Asians suspect that Australians field the vocal fumble as a negotiating ploy. The weird mob of this wide brown land of the Southern Cross are considered “Nemos of Negotiation,” a term derived from ancient Cantonese for “clown fish” and roughly interpreted is “arrogant galoot between east and west.”

It is extremely important that this information does not leak into the public domain down under. Australians have a very brittle pride.

Throsby does AusPol

Bondi Curious


Michael Leunig

Hey, over there...